I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
