New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
