I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
