There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
So much Jack, so little girl.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
