Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
