there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize