someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Randomize
