Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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