I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
