Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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