I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
