I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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