he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
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