i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Randomize
