guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
