Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize