I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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