so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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