Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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