the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
