She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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