I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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