a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
