Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize