Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm getting married
To pizza
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
