I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
