We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
