i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Randomize