She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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