my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
