So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
