I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I wish there were birth control emojis
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Randomize
