i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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