God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
