hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
