why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
