Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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