Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
