so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
