We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
