Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize