Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
