You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
