also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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