I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
