I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
