hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
