I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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