Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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