Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
