I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
