I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
