Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
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