i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Houston, we have a squirter
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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