I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
