Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
