Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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