Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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