do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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