we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
