They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
