Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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